xxlingoxx

friday5

2010-11-13T23:21:00.002-06:00

1. When you’re sick in bed, do you prefer to be left alone or to be taken care of?

Taken care of. There's something about getting your hair stroked by a worried hand that medicine just cannot provide.

2. How difficult or cooperative are you as a patient?

I'm a pretty good patient, but I have lots of questions. Yeah, I know. One of those.

3. It’s just a really bad cold so all you can do is ride it out. What are your strategies?

a) Go to sleep
b) Wake up to pee or eat
c) Go back to sleep
d) repeat

4. How ill do you have to feel in order to shut it down for the day?

Not very ill at all. Any excuse to crawl in bed is never overlooked ;p

5. Waves of nausea are washing over you and through you. Do you fight them off, or do you just throw up to get it over with?

I would definitely head for the toilet. Throwing up brings relief, and you don't have to worry about being nauseated after it's over and done.

restless

2010-09-29T09:39:00.003-05:00

Fall is upon us. The cool weather snuck upon me overnight, catching me rather unprepared with all my autumn clothing still packed away not-so-neatly in their boxes. Maybe it's the change of the seasons, but I somehow feel like I need a change in my life as well. The way it's going now, I know that when I look back in five years I won't be able to say that I did anything. The same routine of studying, bumming around, and taking care of the banalities in life is not how I envision myself spending what's left of my youth. A change is needed; I just don't know how to get started.

My dad came into town a couple of days ago. I think my whole family is home right now, which is a rare occurrence. I miss my family, even if going home would be stressful.

Friday5 on a Sunday

2010-09-12T20:59:00.002-05:00

1. What is the field nearest your home like?

The field nearest my house is at the intersection between Stockbridge and a small street whose name escapes me at the moment. It's not too big, about the size of an elementary school soccer field. The fences guarding my neighbors' backyards also form one border of the rectangular clearing, while statuesque trees line the levy surrounding the other two sides -- inviting giants offering rich, lush shade or menacing wooden sentries bearing gnarled arms, depending on the season. Commonwealth is really quite beautiful like that.

2. How did you get into the professional field you’re in? If you’re not working, what field are you most likely to find yourself in some day?

Now that I am actually in medical school, I can honestly say that my application essay was pure and utter bull. To be quite blunt, I don't find biology exciting, lifelong learning sounds positively dreadful, and I'm not shameless enough to fabricate some falsely altruistic reason for my being here. It is fear of being helpless when someone I care about encounters a medical emergency, the fear of not being able to support the ones I love, the fear of fearing that brought me here. I didn't feel like living the rest of my life in terror, and Medicine is what will help me bury those fears. Well, Medicine, and $150,000 in student loans.

3. What’s the most interesting sight within your current field of vision?

I picked up this neat little bookmark from Singapore last year. It's shiny, delicately crafted, and has a convenient hole in the center so I can use it in binders as well as books.

4. Where were you the last time you fielded questions from several people in turn?

I was here at UTSW, trying to hide the fact that I had to repeat first year from complete strangers.

5. How are you feeling right now?

Stressed because this post took way too long, and I have been informed that we have 145 drugs to learn this block.

medical school

2010-09-11T22:12:00.003-05:00

It has been a while since I've written here. I'm a bit like the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland these days -- disgruntled, a bit crazy, and always late. However, I've been inspired by a few of my friends' blog posts and how they're able to grip my emotions with their eloquence. I guess the dream is that I'll get to that point one day if I continue writing, even if for just a little bit every couple of days.

I've finally made it to second year. The feeling of being abandoned and left behind still hasn't quite disappeaered completely, but I no longer feel myself sinking into that familiar pool of longing and self-pity every time I see one of my old classmates. Baby steps, right? We're currently on Core II, aptly named the "drugs and bugs" block. The sheer amount of material is overwhelming, and I'm quite certain I won't be able to pull off that miraculous A like I did for the first test. Nothing's going to stop me from trying my hardest, though. No more of my immaturity will be tolerated this year.

On a brighter note, I recently moved in to my newly renovated apartment! It's beautiful. Everything's new, and I've locked in the $725 rate for the next two years. As soon as this test is over, I'm going to finish unpacking and turn this place into my not-so-little refuge from life for the rest of medical school. I'm quite excited. This is the first nice apartment I've ever lived in, and let me tell you -- a girl could get used to this.

Anyway, I've probably already spent more time than I should have on this instead of studying. Here's to hoping our next meeting shall come sooner than later.

2009-01-22T20:46:00.003-06:00

I wish you haid said, "this can wait. i'm listening" instead.

2008-12-06T16:19:00.001-06:00

so tired of hurting all the time.

2008-10-27T00:47:00.001-05:00

i'm so sorry.

2008-09-26T10:08:00.004-05:00

haven't really been in much of a studying or playing mood lately.

sometimes it seems like once one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong. some say it's because you're already in a pessimistic mindset, so the normal dips in life become seemingly catastrophic. others say it's cause and effect; because you're sad, you inadvertently do things to cause more sadness in your life. regardless of which one you believe in, the common solution would be to cheer up, straighten up, and start fresh.

i find it funny that the only people who give you that advice are people who aren't in the same position. the people who have never experienced the same situation before due to some stroke of luck, or the people who have already made it through the hard times in their lives. sure, it's easy to say, "there's always a silver lining" if you've always been able to see the sky. sure, it's easy to say, just climb out" if you've already pulled yourself (or had someone help you) out of the ditch. but for someone who's so far down in the pit that nothing's visible anymore, it's a very different story.

i just wish i can take a break. just give me one week without the stress of failing miserably in school. one week for me. and maybe then, i'll start caring about things again.

“The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment”

2008-08-20T20:09:00.004-05:00

I have just realized that the people closest to you are the hardest to forgive not because their trespasses are any more significant or cruel. It's because, as those that you hold closest to your heart, these are the very people whose actions can hurt you the most.

i am doubting myself. actually, logically, i already know that i'm doing the wrong thing. but a sense of responsibility, a lack of confidence, and a fear of the unknown keeps me traveling down this mangled path, a path on which i know no happiness will be found.

2008-08-18T22:03:00.001-05:00

i don't think this is right for me. if this was what i really wanted, then i shouldn't be crying every night.

2008-06-06T16:19:00.011-05:00

currently listening to:
23 - jimmy eat world

So I got an email from school today detailing the vaccination requirements that I need to fulfill before starting school. Apparently I'm two years overdue for a TDP (Tetanus / Diphthera / Pertussis) vaccination. No wonder I got whooping cough at the end of Freshman year haha. But better Pertussis than Tetanus, right?

I also hit up the local grocers for the first time today. The Krogers closest to me is small, expensive, and severely lacking; but they do have some cool stuff:

that, my friend, is a mini-pineapple the size of my palm and a little box of Heaven - Skittles Bubble Gum :)

However, even with the discovery of Long-lasting Skittles doesn't make up for the fact that I'm in Dallas. 269 miles, 4 hours 17 minutes, and too far away to be of any use to anyone according to Google Maps. Living in Dallas makes me feel so removed from all the people and things that I care about. Too far away to smell the aroma of food cooking on the stove, too far away to disturb the lonely quiet in her house, too far away to tightly hold an important person when he needs it the most. This is the reality that technology just cannot fix. And as though the 269 miles weren't enough, the distance seems to grow larger with each passing day.

It's funny how the closer I come to attaining my goal, the more of myself I seem to lose. I've always felt this way, like some secondary character who just fades away, pixel by pixel, until only the protagonist is left in the virtual reality of a cheesy sci-fi movie. Except unlike the poor sap, I was the one who chose to disappear. The very things that shaped me and made me who I am, I have let go one by one until only the people in my life were left. Now I've left them behind as well, and for what? Just so I can cling on to a childhood dream of saving the lives of those slipping away from me? Noble, doesn't it seem? But now that the very reasons behind my pursuit of medicine are gone, the diamond seems to have lost its shine. After all, you can't save the dead. And I'm not so self-enamored as to fool myself into thinking I'll be satisfied protecting a total stranger's happiness while watching my own slowly slip away. So, what's left?

i want this kind of peace

2008-06-05T18:01:00.002-05:00

i want this kind of peace

orientation and whatnot

2008-06-04T17:02:00.008-05:00

my notes from yesterday's radioactive material, fire, and environmental health trainings

cute

2008-03-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

good and bad :/

2008-03-10T18:15:00.003-05:00

for some reason, i'm all of a sudden really, really excited about going to Taiwan and China :D

on a more serious note, someone rear-ended our car today because of the rainy conditions. my mom is now having pains in her neck and back... i think we might report it to insurance in case she needs an x-ray or meds, but i'm afraid they'll think we're BSing because it was such a low-impact collision (maybe 10 mph?). and all this within a month of my accident. i am kind of worried. i don't like rainy days...

wtf. the irony.

2008-03-07T22:15:00.002-06:00

Email I received today after leaving for Houston at 2:00 pm.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Brian Arneson to me, Cindy

show details 11:22 AM (10 hours ago)

Hi Ling,

We have another project that needs student testers. You would have to
come into the office to get started on the project. Are you interested?

-Brian

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

rawrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! there goes $500 worth of salary >:0 >:0 >:0 >:0

band

2008-03-05T22:10:00.004-06:00

haha if we had done a show like this instead of Firebird, I think I would have loved marching a lot more. though their sound isn't spectacular...this is still cool! :D

2006-06-14T23:46:00.000-05:00

i think the birds in austin are all conspiring against me.

The first attempt was made a few weeks ago.

I walk by a bird perched on the railing on some building near the union. As I pass it, I think to myself, "I wonder if it'll attack me." Then, as I nonchalantly take a glace back, I notice that the bird isn't there. "It's behind you." The thought flashes through my mind. I glance at the ground just to make sure, and I see the bird's shadow becoming more defined. "This can't be happening," I think to myself as the bird swoops in for its first assault. Before I can react, the little devil lands on my arm, scrambling to get a good grip. A few seconds of "wtf?!" and swatting at the bird ensues, and the bird flies back to its original perch. I think back to those videos I saw online of birds taunting cats. They would fly by and tug on the cat's ear, and then hovering maddeningly just out of reach as the cat hisses in retaliation. The bird makes its second attempt to fly at me, and I take a step toward it, threateningly. I'm not about to be bullied by a bird. It banks a sharp turn and flies to a distance safely out of reach, cawing at me all the while. That's right, bitch. Score one for Ling.

I thought nothing of the encounter. Then, yesterday, the second attack was made.

I stand outside of Dobie, trying to decide whether or not I should wait for the bus. As I finally make a decision and take a step toward the bus stop, I hear a "splat" behind me. "...," I think to myself, "that'd better not be what I think that was." I turn around, and there it is. A monster poo, splatted all over the sidewalk, burning through the sidewalk with its acidic liquids. It had missed me by mere centimeters. "Oh man," said Toral with a mixed expression of apathy and concern on her face, "close encounter." Close encounter indeed. Another day, my feathered friend, another day.

But the story doesn't end here.

I'm walking back to my apartment with my trusty companion. We saunter down the sidewalk, engaged in agitated conversation. "That was the worst food..SHIT!" he exclaimed. "What?" I ask, slightly startled by his outburst. Even as bad as P. F. Chang's was, I don't think even that place deserves such a horrible description. He hold out his hand, and I see it. Wet, brown streaks run down his thumb, and I look up at him. "Maybe it's the sauce from the tofu," I tenatively suggest. "No, there is only ONE thing that would fall from the sky and leave brown streaks like this," he growls. "You got shat on," I think to myself. Once again, i emerge from the battle victorious, but at a great price. As a result of the birds' unprovoked fury, David became a casualty.

I leave you now, saddened and pondering over the futileness that is war.

2006-06-12T20:18:00.000-05:00

princeton review's started, but i haven't studied.
i've found a summer job, but it hasn't sunk in.
my car's been fixed for a few weeks now, but i hardly drive it.
summer's 1/3 over, and i don't feel relaxed.

I just don't know how to parcel my time anymore. It's so easy to just wake up, make breakfast, go to class, make lunch, go to work, do some homework, make dinner, and have fun. But I don't even have the will power to do that. Instead I've just been going out every day and partying. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But because I don't take care of my responsibilities, I always hear that nagging voice in the back of my head.

You should have studied.
Get started on fulfilling your organizational responsibilities.
Learn some chemistry so you won't get fired.
Make your meals so you won't waste money eating out.
Have you called the people you promised to call?
Plan the events you wanted to plan.
What happened to working out, huh?

DAMNIT. All I need is a little more will power.

But all I want is just to have fun. It's been 7 years since I've had a summer off. Where is this pressure coming from? Can't I just have a little fun without all this guilt?

2006-06-05T14:16:00.000-05:00

first mcat diagnostic score was pathetic. need to cram :0

i like smileys in this font :) They are so rounded and happy.

I've decided that the most cost efficient way to buy fresh basil and sprouts of good quality is to go get pho and bring the extra veggies home ^^ Yum...

2006-05-30T00:50:00.000-05:00

I changed my car battery today. The battery acid had caked the cable with such a thick layer that I couldn't put it on the new terminal all the way. It kind of worries me. I keep on imagining the cable falling off while I'm driving. Then I'd see myself flying through the air in a ridiculously Hollywood-esque car explosion.

After giving my baby a new battery, I took her to the car wash and cleaned her off. The windshield looked like it belonged in a paintball arena. Except all the paintballs were white. And they were actually bird poo. I also attempted to clean off a flyer for some club party that had melted itself onto the poor thing. Damn those people who walk around sticking those stupid flyers under your windshield wipers. The attempt was, unfortunately, unsuccessful. I think I'll try again tomorrow.

That is all for now. I think I'm going to make Italian food tomorrow.

2006-05-24T16:36:00.000-05:00

I was looking back on my previous entries, and I made a startling discovery -- my posts sound like a darker version of something from Carrie Bradshaw's column in Sex and the City. Sick, isn't it?

I need to make plans for summer. Plans plans plans plans plans. I need to be constructive in some form or way. What am I doing? :///

Cleaning sucks. My bathroom smells like chemicals, and I'm afraid that if I step in the shower, my feet will corrode from the gallons of bleach I just used.

On the other hand, I feel quite proud of myself for exposing Rio Nueces as the overpriced shack that it is to a would-be victim, a naive apartment-hunter, today.

2006-05-06T03:33:00.000-05:00

Today's been a pretty good day. In fact, I haven't had such a great day since I came to college. It feels like things are falling in place, for once.

YAY.

2006-03-17T18:00:00.000-06:00

i hold grudges, and i don't get past them until we talk it out or someone apologizes.

i especially don't like people who deem themselves fit to make detrimental implications toward my character in public. that's one of the most speedy and effective ways to piss me off.

2006-03-14T22:45:00.000-06:00

nestor's hypothesis #3: we continue to keep one-sided relationships in our lives because we really do care that much.

i agree.

2006-03-14T22:24:00.000-06:00

i think of all these great ideas in my head. i dream out every little detail, and i even envision people's reactions when i complete the task. and yet, i never even attempt to put these ideas into motion. i always have some excuse. i'm too tired. it's too expensive. they'll think it's stupid.
i think i'm just not a do'er. i'm a watcher. i watch as people are lauded for ideas that, not to sound haughty or condescending, are so terribly flawed. then i'm content to lean back against the wall and think, "see? if you had just tried to tell them your idea, they would've thought you were brilliant. you dummy."

and not to jock benjy's style, but... why do insitutions believe that the best way to choose a candidate is through a list of accomplishments and a couple of essays? we all know that half of that list is exaggerated, and that the essays are usually highlly embellished pages of horse-poo.

mixed feelings. why do they exist? why can't we just feel one way about something, and only one way? is there really such a thing as a love-hate relationship? if you loved someone, then you can't hate them right? and if you hated them for, say hurting you, then it's no longer love, because loving them would mbe forgiving them, right? so why do we still have these mixed feelings? is it because we've felt one way for so long that we can't stand to just radically change our views?

these are things i want to talk to people about. but how are you supposed to start? "hey, how was your day? by the way, why do you think love-hate relationships exist?"

i think i've gotten to a point where i just ask a question and then i don't really listen when he answers. it's terrible, i know. but hearing his voice just makes me feel so much better, regardless of the content of his side of the conversation.

Caddy smells like leaves.

2006-03-14T21:58:00.000-06:00

you ever do something that suddenly triggers a random memory from long ago? it hits you like a jolt, and you stand dazed for a couple of seconds, grateful for the piece of your life you just rediscovered? it happens to me sometimes when i smell a familiar scent. i don't see things and remember, and touch means close to nothing to me. but scents. they trigger memories that are hidden so far in the back of my mind that i'm surprised they're still there. this is why i'm afraid of losing my sense of smell. I wouldn't just be losing the smell of good food or fresh flowers; i would be losing that chunk of my life that i'll never rediscover.

2006-03-13T21:33:00.000-06:00

you ever miss somebody who's sitting right next to you? miss their smile, miss their warm embrace, miss their unending concern for your well-being? well that's stupid, you might say. they're sitting right next to you. all you have to do is smile to see them smile, reach out to feel their warmth, sigh to feel their concern. but it's not that simple. because...just because. because so much time has passed. because you've become such a different person since you last saw each other. because there's the tiniest possibility that they no longer feel the way that they used to about you.

you ever realize how much easier it was to hug your parents when you were a kid? It felt so natural back then. The weeks that they've been gone doesn't matter. The last time they scolded you is ancient history. The hurt feelings they inflicted are quickly healed. One hug was enough to make up for anything. What happened since then? When did the days they're gone begin stacking up like bricks in your heart? When did the scoldings turn into slammed doors and looks of disappointment, nagging at the back of your mind? When did the hurt feelings start festering like some flesh-eating sore? And you desperately want to just reach out for that miracle drug, that one hug that will make this all go away. But you don't do it.
What made us so forgiving when we were young? And what happened to make us such ugly people in the end? Is it our pride? Our ego? Our inability to admit that, as behind the times as they are, our parents still know better than us?
What is it that keeps a warm embrace flying just out of reach? Somebody just tell me. Why?

blogging makes me kind of depressed. i think writing in general makes me depressed. and I'll just make this post private later anyway, so i dont know why i even bother.

2006-03-05T20:19:00.000-06:00

you think of all the things you want to say, everything that's dammed up inside you waiting to come crashing out. you think about how beautifully your words will convey what you're thinking, how you're feeling, why you're writing. you think of all the people who, after twenty years, will venture to put aside their misconceptions and finally, finally understand you. why you do the things you do, why you say the words you say, why you think the thoughts you think. and just when you reach out for that ray of hope, reach out for all those people who never gave you a chance...you realize that you just don't have what it takes. not enough talent, not enough courage, not enough sincerity--really just not enough of anything. and instead of finally emerging to dazzle those you love with a brilliance of color, you swathe yourself further in insipid updates, desultory trains-of-thought, or maybe just a single utterance of obscenity.

fuck.

in the end, you chastise yourself for allowing naive ambition to carry you away.

2006-02-20T14:07:00.000-06:00

Blargh! I just made the dumbest mistake on my pchem exam. There were five questions. I knew how to do a total of...one. Pathetic, isn't it? Especially considering I stayed up all night to study for this stupid exam. And then on one 3-part question, it took me literally 20 minutes out of the 60 I had to realize that when the slope goes down, y=a/x, not y=ax. So I did that problem in the 2 remaining minutes I had left. Genius.

On the other hand, Maple Story has finished updating. Yay.

2006-02-18T15:15:00.000-06:00

I think I'll start blogging again. I know, probably no one reads my blog with exception of the occasional wanderer who stumbles across this url by mistake. However, my writing skills have considerably .... de.... yeah. I suck at writing now. Therefore, at least ten minutes a day will be dedicated to blogging. It actually shouldn't be that horrible because I'm actually being active enough so that I have something to write about.

This semester has been pretty busy. I'm not even doing that much more, but it feels like there's never time to just relax anymore. P-chem is kicking my butt so hard that I'm considering taking it pass/fail and just changing my major. Homework is due every two weeks, and there are three review sessions a week. I go to four out of six review sessions for a homework period, meet with people at least two times a week to go over it, and I still don't understand how the solutions make sense.

Speaking of homework, I should probably be studying for my genetics lab quiz right now. That class has the potential of being really fun, but...my TA is gay. Both figuratively and literally. My first impression of him was that he was a pompous jackass who gets his shits and giggles out of screwing us over and ripping out fly testes. Yes, ripping out fly testes. In addition to that, when he sees an especially great dissection, he goes, "Wow! These are the most beautiful testes I've seen all day!" I thought that was weird, but I was like whatever. The next lab session he comes in, donning another ugly combination of Raggedy Sweater Over a Button-Down with the Collar Pulled Out and pants that are a little too short for his awkwardly long limbs. This time, he skips across the room like an excited little girl as he directs us to flip the flies over and examine their reproductive organs in order to separate males from females. Pretty standard procedure, but it just doesn't seem right when he compares the male sex organs to velcro and then giggles. Van confirmed it the third week when he told me our TA has a pink phone. Yep. I don't think there's much room for error here. All of this would be fine, except the guy's a real jerk. He's condescending and thinks of himself as the Drosophila God. Plus I heard he grades hard.

Ok. Enough ranting for now. Bye bye blog.

2005-07-23T23:36:00.000-05:00

at home visiting family and puppies! pups are cute. i don't want to give them away.

2005-07-21T18:42:00.000-05:00

so i haven't posted in a while. it seems like now that advertising has ended, everything is just going so much better.

the other day i went with david to his company retreat. geez, haven't had that much fun in a while. we drove up to volente beach for some fun in the sun. We went on a couple of water slides, went swimming and rock hunting, made a hit-and-run victim in the sand, and gawked at scary fishies near the marina. oh, and we went parasailing. that was good stuff. we caught the sunset and the evening breeze, and they let us so high up that i thought people swimming in the lake were actually ducks. yes, i know i'm dumb. now all i need to do is go 2.7 seconds on a bull named FuManchu :p

*edit*

i traded my food stamps for some tito's vodka, so excuse my inebriated obnoxiousness as i leave another stain on your already-shitty day.

2005-07-01T15:10:00.000-05:00

currently listening to: sum 41 . im not the one

so i've never really had a role model before. in elementary they used to make us write these essays about who our role models were and why we chose them. i would always talk about a family member, not because i look up to them, but because of the convenience factor. but i think i found a role model today. well, ever since we got to know each other i've thought that, but today confirmed it. it's not so much a matter of idolization as it is a real, genuine sense of respect. i guess the idea of a role model evolves as you grow older. so... yeah. hopefully i'll be able to improve myself now that i have someone to look to for inspiration :].

2005-06-29T01:51:00.000-05:00

1) test tomorrow
2) test thursday
3) project due friday
4) sick, and coughing my lungs out
5) boss won't let me work
6) second degree burn on forearm
7) no life plan

but you know what? it's okay. because i have a boyfriend who loves me enough to put up with my incessant crap. and he's what gets me through the day.

2005-06-09T13:39:00.000-05:00

i bought a laptop :D my new baby (not that i'll neglect my old one) is an Inspiron 700m, and it's mine. alll mineee! whoo.

also, i want to go home this weekend. my dad's in town, and the puppies have opened their eyes. plus, i want some home time before calculus starts... :/

first project for ADV 318J is due tomorrow, and first exam on monday. It's really nerve-wracking considering I haven't written an essay since college applications. also, this is the first communications course i'm taking in college, and he goes over materials so fast. It shouldn't be too hard though, and the course is pretty interesting.

I got my raise :] a whole dollar, yippe. jk, a dollar's better than nothing. my next pay goal: $13 an hour or more.

i don't know why i even keep this thing. the poor blog's seen better days--days when i would actually modify the layout or post more than once a week.

o yeah. i'm actually doing some type of workout or other regularly now :D it's so great having a clean pool in your apartment complex. also beginning to hit the weight room. we'll see how long that lasts ^^

with music, life is good :]

2005-05-28T00:43:00.000-05:00

our chihuahua had puppies today. they might be looking for a loving home soon, so if you want one please tell me

so i had people over again today. it's so strange... i have a great time, but then it ends, leaving me in a dark, silent house. and even though everyone was just here just seconds ago, lonliness settles in, dulling my senses. all of a sudden, my life seems strangely out of place.

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets
A mess with people
Would stop to hold their heads heavy
Hide and seek
trains aren't solving machines
All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this
Still alive
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears
They were here first
Mmm, What'd you say? Mmm, That you only meant well
Well of course you did
Mmm, What'd you say? Mmm, That it's all for the best
Of course it is
Mmm, What'd you say? Mmm, That it's just what we need
You decided this
Mmm, What'd you say? Mmm... What did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cutouts
Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cutouts
Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit
(You don't care a bit)
Oh, no, you don't care a bit
Oh, no, you don't care a bit
Uh-uh, you don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit

finally picked up star wars ep 1&2 (and diploma) from fred the other day. thanks for holding on to it so long! got the urge to start watching them after seeing revenge of the sith w/ him :D

malled w/ david yesterday. ran into lesa & also the guy from my chinese class who once gave me 3 air heads :] sugar land has changed so much, as has its residents. pretty soon it won't be home anymore :/

ice creamed w/ tim today, and ran into *gasp* melody & michael!? hehe what a cute couple :p and then pauline and meng came over w/ tim to chill. i can't believe i fell so out of touch w/ my zhu tohs! ended the day with cake-baking w/ brandy & j-e. where i kept on getting ganged up on. might i mention that j-e looks hot in french braids?

ok that's all for now. later.

2005-05-23T20:41:00.000-05:00

2005-05-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

2005-05-21T14:06:00.000-05:00

there's a spider crawling across my keyboard. it looks confused. imagine that. your'e walking across a slightly slanted, rectangular thing, and all of a sudden, buildings are being compressed into the ground and popping up, and the floor is shaking like no other. i think i scared it away :/

on a new topic.... kung fu hustle & star wars w/ ppl i haven't seen in a long time! :D

2005-05-21T12:09:00.000-05:00

home sweet home. i love relaxing.

731 has the best creme brulee ever :D i like their blueberry flavor. the strawberry chesecake isn't bad either.

hope everyone's enjoying summer :D i can't wait till school starts again in less than 2 weeks. not.

my brother bought the gold edition of Age of Mythology!

I watched saturday morning cartoons for the first time in a year today. Apparently Yugi is already about to restart the "ancient war?" geez i'm so behind haha. And the new Batman has an Asian chick as the good cop? whoa.

Mkay, time to go grocery shopping w/ my mom. peace.

2005-05-18T23:37:00.000-05:00

It isn't until now that I realize how I've distanced myself from some of the people I used to consider myself closest to.

Omg. Our computer at home has at least 5 viruses. I exaggerate not.

: [

I miss my daddy

2005-05-18T21:22:00.000-05:00

WHEW! I'M HOME :D So I know I've neglected this blog for way too long. This semester has just been so busy, and so much has happened, that even when I did feel like blogging I didn't have enough energy. So, let me update my admirers with every little detail of my life starting from the first day of second semester freshman year. Not. Suffice to say, I managed to achieve most of my New Year's resolutions already! (At least, the ones that I remember.)

It feels so nice to be home. Lately I've been taken with this recurring case of nostalgia. Emotions have been kind of up and down, just like the psychic said! Haha, in case you're wondering, tina found the link online for this website that allows you to make a free, three-minute phone call to the self-proclaimed psychics they have listed on their website. You're allowed three phone calls per number, and I think my readings are funny enough to put down here.

The first one was kinda cool. She told me that I want out of my financial situation or my job, but I should stick with it. Sound advice. Then, she says that in the next two weeks, someone who used to be in my life will come back to me, but that's not what I really want, so I shouldn't pursue it. Instead, this "interesting fellow" will come into my life within six months. He is foreign, and he's some sort of executive or something. Apparently, our relationship will be "interesting," and she told me I shouldn't introduce him to my friends because that's "just something [I] shouldn't do." Haha, i thought this reading was kind of intriguing, not like the next one.

The second lady tried to tell my future, but when I told her she was wrong (and proceeded to own her in the face,) she stutters and instead tries to tell me I'm immature. First, she was like, "You and your other have the same goals, but you are at a crossroads in your relationship." Then, she goes, "You feel your boyfriend has problems expressing his feelings, am I correct?" And I was like, "Well...not really." lol. So she decides to ask me instead for something about our relationship that bothers me. And when I tell her, she goes, "Well, that's just a matter of maturity." I was like WTF. DID SHE JUST TELL ME THAT I'M IMMATURE? And then she proceeds to basically tell me that I'im too immature for the relationship I'm in, and that I should play the field, and I'd realize how good I've got it. I was like...YOU CAN SUCK IT. Well, not really. But both Tina and I were like what the hell.

Finally, the third lady tells me that I'm not very happy wth my relationship right now, and that in the next few weeks, I'll be emtionally unstable. She also said a lot of things in between, but I guess the primacy / recency effect we learned about in psychology actually holds some truth to it. Too bad. This one actually had the most to tell me, both volume and accuracy-wise.

Anyway, I'm proud to say that I owned last semester. With all borderline As so far. Hehe, the cutoff for an A in BIO 320 was 359, and I got exactly a 359 :p Talk about cutting it close. The only thing that remains is physics, and I'm totally depending on the suck-up factor and Turner's leniency for my A in there.

On a totally seperate subject, we now have a new doggy. Her name is Yuan-Yuan. It sort of has the same meaning as serendipity^2. Yeah. She's really tiny...

My brother deleted AIM off his home computer. I'm so disappointed!! I was hoping to catch up with friends and hang out for the 2 weeks I'm going to be in Sugar Land, but now I don't even have a convenient way of contacting people. I'm also that re-downloading it on the computer will piss him off. And AIM express sucks. What a dilemma. :(

Ok, I have more to say, but this will suffice for now. Don't want to bore the few of you that still read this thing. Peace.

2005-04-09T03:03:00.000-05:00

hopefully this will be my fall semester

2005-03-26T16:11:00.000-06:00

happy b-day j-e!

yay my mommy's coming up tomorrow.

2005-03-23T00:15:00.000-06:00

while hanging out w/ jo & alex today

jo: my bunny got stolen
me: my birds got eaten
alex: yeah, she thinks her bunny got eaten too
me: damn racoons *shakes fist*
jo: mexicans.

lmfao.

2005-03-21T21:14:00.000-06:00

:] i get to sue people :]

2005-03-20T12:42:00.000-06:00

the stifling heat of an early summer rouses me from my slumber, and i lie in bed with my eyes closed waiting for something to happen. anything. sadly, however, i am once again disappointed, and i open my eyes to the usual sight, the livingroom in a perpetual state of disarray. pails of paint litter the floor. acrylic, oil, water-soluble, aquamarine, fuchsia, maroon. a lone paintbrush lies on the tables, lifeless, its bristles encrusted with flecks of paint. hard to imagine this paintbrush had ever been handled with love or care. styrofoam balls dangle from wires, attached to various geometric shapes constructed from cardboard and paper, drooping heads held by necks barely strong enough to support their weight. A wire creation stands alone on the bookcase, the brainchild of a twisted mind. a brooding, ghoulish figure entrapped by its own dismal destiny, the piece reminds me of jack from nightmare before christmas. pencils, brushes, wires, sketch pads, posters, numerous sundries are strewn about -- the ingredients of an artistic calamity. as i look around the room, the air turns stagnant, and i suddenly find it hard to breath.

i cleaned the apartment today.

also, i went to see The Vanished a couple of days ago. They were giving a free performance at Spiros for South by Southwest, though technically, they weren't part of the showcase. my second concert ever :]

2005-03-16T23:00:00.000-06:00

You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.

atheism

83%

Satanism

83%

Paganism

67%

agnosticism

67%

Buddhism

58%

Judaism

33%

Islam

25%

Christianity

Hinduism

Which religion is the right one for you?

2005-03-15T18:58:00.000-06:00

you're filled with empty promises.

and i wish it wouldn't bother me so.

2005-03-05T13:14:00.000-06:00

a mistake. an irrevocable mistake.

2005-03-01T18:46:00.000-06:00

in case you're wondering, the way to put out oil-based oven fires is to throw baking soda on it.

2005-02-26T19:17:00.000-06:00

andrew: guys are ugly
david: it's true. guys are ugly.
alex: ... i'm going to have to agree with that.

and then he headbutted me. haha wtf.

2005-02-21T13:19:00.000-06:00

"Your life is like a tapestry, woven from your memories of people and events. Some threads are dark, while others are bright. Your individual tapestry shines vividly in your mind, reminding you of who you are, where you've been and what you've done."

is anyone going home anytime soon? please take me with you?

i'm so tired...

2005-02-17T03:18:00.000-06:00

currently listening to : the noose - a perfect circle.

as you've probably figured out, i discovered artpad. what a wonderful waste of 10 minutes of my life. or lack thereof.

today (and by today i mean yesterday) was not a good day. for anyone. and if you had a good day, well good for you.

i miss taiwan. either i remembered wrong, or there used to be this breathtaking view from one of the windows in our house. it was like a painting. or maybe it was a painting. but this just kinda reminded me of it. the beauty was astounding. ragged, steep cliffs framed with small waterfalls and gulls in the distance... yeah. it was probably a painting. funny how memory plays tricks on you. we also had these two humongous pine trees in our backyard, and there were always twosnakes entwined around the branches, emerald green with ruby eyes burning through the foliage. i want to go back so badly...

i think i might dye my hair white.

2005-02-11T18:32:00.000-06:00

omg. i'm so stupid. i was supposed to get my first paycheck today. exciting, right? except i forget to pick it up. like wtf. and i need the money for this weekend too. *sigh* but at least i got 2 of my resolutions down. i'm working on the third one - commiting to a club. and simultaneously working on two others - 4.0 and learning my way around austin.

oh by the way. i'm selling these books and cds. ask me for prices.

CC 306M. medical terminology. ISBN: 0781733944
CH 310M. organic chemistry. 3rd ed. brown & foot. ISBN: 0030334977
CH 310M. organic chemistry study guide. ISBN: 0030335825
PHY 317K physics 1. 5th ed. ISBN: 0471320579
PHY 317L. physics 2. 5th ed. ISBN: 0471401943

keane - hopes and fears
switchfoot - the beautiful letdown
switchfoot - learning to breathe
switchfoot - new way to be human

i can't believe people would rather buy gavin degraw and ryan cabrera over keane and switchfoot. what's the world coming to?

also, i may be going back to taiwan this summer. i'm excited.

orgo lab sucks. the first lab sucked, the second lab sucked REAL BAD, and i'm not optimistic about the third one.

happy belated b-day cindy! btw, this message has nothing to do with the v-day card above.

also, you and you need to come pick up your cake ^^

2005-02-01T22:13:00.000-06:00

i love a man who can dance.

2005-01-25T15:45:00.000-06:00

*edit*

blah.

2005-01-24T21:45:00.000-06:00

bucKy: porn is so ridiculous.
bucKy: it's like in and out and in and out and in
bucKy: new position!
bucKy: in and out and in and out and in
bucKy: new position!
me: hahahahahahah
me: nicely put, nicely put
bucKy: x15.

2005-01-19T20:08:00.000-06:00

my mistake. ok, here's my new schedule. i gave up on getting into gonzalez's math class, but that's okay. so basically, everything's riding on my internal transfer pulling through. if they decide to reject me, i've wasted this semester and the past semester. wish me luck!

lots of fun stuff for past week. didn't get to write them down though, mostly because i just didn't have time to blog. needless to say, i had fun ^^

i opened my steamer today to discover that i forgot to throw out the rice in there before break. it now looks like a mold garden, and i'm afraid to touch it. but i'm hungry... what a dilemma. i'll upload the pix onto my imagestation for your viewing pleasure. it'll be under "random crap."

kyoto changed their happy hour to a happy forty-five minutes. it's from 6-6:45, don't get it wrong! their "caterpillar" is really good *drools*

second resolution i'm knocking out is "get a job." that's right. i'm job-hunting. next time you guys see me, i'll be a working girl. hopefully. well i'll need to because i'm paying 1/3 of the rent for my apartment next year. guess who i'm living with? ^^

i hope all of you non-ut'ers are having a good time back in school. miss ya lots!

2005-01-13T14:28:00.000-06:00

The skies are grey, but the air still reverberates with residual warmth from brighter hours. Gusts of wind send dried leaves dancing across deserted streets, marionette-like windchimes of the darker season. And as i stand there, letting the wind whip through my hair, i can taste the storm approaching...

today, autumn is perpetual. today, i am unburdened. today, anything can happen.

i hope all of you guys spent yesterday outside because the weather was absolutely beautiful.

2005-01-12T21:24:00.000-06:00

yao is opening a restaurant in houston. Looks like chinese american fusion or something. think it will be good?

Daniel: Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, you know - I thought it might be something worse.
Sam: Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Total agony.

as you've probably guessed, i watched love actually today. it was so sweet...

enough said.

also had lunch at sushi rock w/ Judy. It was alright, but company was awesome =) can't really say i'm a big fan of california rolls though. then, it was more playground fun. pics as soon as i get back up to austin. i wish i had taken more pictures with the people i hung out with over winter break, but i kept on forgetting to bring my camera.

i really don't know what i'm doing. when i look at other people's relationships, i usually see the problem and the solution. they ask me for advice, and i tell them what i see, and what i would do if i were in the same situation. it's just so simple. so why am i always so confused when it comes to myself?

2005-01-12T00:03:00.000-06:00

the creme brulee duo @ Grand Lux Cafe is hawt. like baseball players haha.

i want second piercings! :(

lunch w/ judy 2morw!

2005-01-11T09:38:00.000-06:00

i think i may have a new roomate for next year ^^ and hopefully my own bathroom!

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your shit that idea of home is gone."

2005-01-11T00:53:00.000-06:00

after much stress and planning, my schedule was finally born.

my mom and i both like clothes from Anthropologie. weird. i think she's also buying a quilt and a lamp from there.

hung out with sophia today^^ we went to blockbusters and rented Garden State. It was such a good movie! Wow. We couldn't stop laughing (partly due to "uhh wtfreak" scenes), and the ending was just perfect. I don't know...something about fading out with them hugging each other tightly really got to me. And then we went to Colony Bend to molest some little boys. jk. We went to the playground and played on the swings. Too bad the rain cut our fun short, but that's okay because we hit up The Melting Pot afterwards and only got a little lost. O.m.g. the fondue was soooo good. and in the end, when we sadly passed up dessert for health reasons, our waiter gave us a free little plate of chocolate fondue with strawberries and bananas "just to torture us on what we passed up." he was so nice! i love free food. correction. i love guys who give me free food. correction. i love guys who give me free, good food. like chocolate fondue. mmmmm.... gona hang out again tomorrow. and gona see nestor. i'm excited *insert complacent grin*

**edit on previous post** take out "take up spanish again" and insert "get a job"

2005-01-09T22:50:00.000-06:00

i went shopping yesterday. and what's this? i actually bought clothes? *gasp* $20 sweaters and $3 shirts make me happy.

words of wisdom: "better to ask for too much than settle for not enough"

things to accomplish in 2005:

not cuss
commit to a club

take up spanish again
4.0 spring & fall semester
apply for internal transfer
learn my way around austin
apply for college transfer (maybe)
read all the books i said i wanted to read
find better apartment for fall, either single or a two-two
no regrets.

i think 10 should be enough. we'll see how that goes. and this all starts...now. yeah now. going to hang out with sophia tomorrow. i'm excited ^^ break's been pretty good. saw a lot of old friends, spent time with family, had good home-cooked meals, and cleared my head enough to think some stuff through. things will be different from now on.

2005-01-03T00:44:00.000-06:00

happy 19th nestor!

I always give in to these pointless things

ten random things about me:

10 wanted to keep my E. Coli (w/ intact lac-z gene) culture as a pet
9 can't stand strategic games ie chess, go, etc
8 i hear strange frequencies. like i can tell the tv's on even when it's on mute.
7 interested in forensic science and culinary arts
6 watch saturday morning cartoons
5 still growing
4 i like people but usually only in small doses ::there are exceptions of course::
3 infatuated with shounen manga
2 working in groups sucks
1 still can't drive

nine ways to win my heart:

9 take care of your appearance / hygiene
8 be a good conversationalist
7 put me high on the priority list ..reasonable, right?..
6 stand up for what you believe in
5 be polite & respectful to others
4 give me room to breathe
3 when given different situations, know how to adapt and react accordingly
2 take care of people who matter to you
1 be there for me

eight things I want to do before I die:

8 finish anything i abandoned half-way
7 plant a beautiful garden for my mom. that's actually something i want to do before she dies
6 make enough money for it to not be an issue
5 travel the world
4 spoil those important to me
3 find something i'm passionate about
2 be the best at something
1 make my family proud

seven ways to annoy me:

7 wear too much perfume / cologne
6 call manga "comics"
5 diss things that are important to me
4 put others down
3 be mean to animals
2 take me for granted
1 be self-righteous & narrow-minded

six things I believe in:

6 "friendly competition" is an euphemism
5 being open-minded / trying before judging
4 truth (beauty and love? haha)
3 euthanasia
2 being realistic
1 science

five things I'm afraid of:

5 cold weather
4 pain
3 losing my family
2 faliure
1 re-enacting "it's a wonderful life" only to realize that i never made a difference.

four of my favorite items in my room:

4 bouquet of dried roses
3 stereo
2 computer
1 bed

three things I do everyday :

3 waste time
2 take a 2-hour nap within 5 minutes of waking up
1 scavenge for food

two things I want to do right now:

2 figure out what i want to do
1 listen to "welcome to my life" by simple plan

one person I want to see right now:

...i'm not really feeling up for visitors, but thanks for stopping by

do you have a quick reaction?

2005-01-02T19:49:00.000-06:00

2005. According to the Chinese zodiac telling thingy, I gotta watch out for backstabbers and being hit by cars this year. This year starting in february of courrse. My dad left for taiwan today. That's 2 relatives and way too many friends who are there without me.

The way asians network never ceases to amaze me. It's always like... "oh, i know your brother" or "oh i hung out with your sister-in-law" or "oh you're mary's daughter" and the likes. So i'm getting to know all these people that my brothers or my parents hang out with and the people associated with them. No wonder i don't have friends my age. And sometimes it's really just like "wtf," but maybe it's time for me to start building a network of my own...

2004-12-31T03:03:00.000-06:00

i just finished reading man and boy by tony parsons. i don't want to cheapen it with my personal commentary, but if you have time, definitely check this book out. (both figuratively and literally.)

i don't know... i really got to thinking after i put the book down. you hear the same stories about relationships over and over again, heartbreaks and romances, those that work and those that don't. In the end, though, whether it works or not is really is up to you. That is, you and Chance. Do you think it's worth the pain you're bound to go through? How much should you sacrifice for another person? Out of millions of people on this planet, is there really only one person that's right for you? And if there's only one... how do you find him / her? Can someone tell me?

I had planned on writing this long, elaborate entry about all of this. But i'm just... so tired. Because after reading this, I'm reminded of why I didn't like relationships in the first place.

books i want to read

2004-12-29T17:07:00.000-06:00

books i want to read:

the five people you meet in heaven - mitch albom
tuesdays with morrie - mitch albom
what to keep: a novel - rachel cline
he's just not that into you : the no-excuses truth to understanding guys - greg behrendt
all that matters - jan goldstein
nights of rain and stars - maeve binchy
i can't believe you asked that : the ultimate q&a about race, sex, religion, and other terrifying topics - phillip j milano
when will jesus bring the pork chops - george carlin
the nutshell studies of unexplained death - corinne may botz
graffiti world : street art from five continents - nicholas ganz

2004-12-27T19:26:00.000-06:00

today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk. well, the simplified version.
mom *in hushed tones* : are you having sex?
me: no
mom: well if you do, make sure the boy has a condom on.
me: yeah i know. i'm not stupid.
mom: you should also keep a few condoms in your room in case you want to and the boy's like "i dont have a condom with..."
me: ... please stop talking ...

am i turning into one of those people that i used to sneer at? but i can't help it. just feels like something's missing...

winter break!

2004-12-14T17:11:00.000-06:00

i'm done with exams ^^ back to sugar land soon. probably. who wants to party?

relief

2004-12-03T07:08:00.000-06:00

well, hell week part one is over =) practicals were horrendous, but now i finally get a chance to stop and breathe before my next exam... should i go to california this winter? or florida? or i could just stay home and chill [which is probably what i'm going to end up doing.] what about a chatterbox?

thanksgiving break

2004-11-28T10:46:00.000-06:00

mood: slightly sad

so overall thanksgiving has been better than i had expected. i can't believe it's coming to an end already. i got to hang out w/ some really cool people who i haven't seen in a while, and of course there was good food to be had. i can't believe i'm saying this, but i actually missed home. who would have thought that i was the type? living with family is a real pain, but it's also a blessing -- a blessing that i had failed to appreciate before. i may have screwed myself over for next week by not even touching my school stuff, but it just doesn't seem to matter anymore.

on a totally different topic, the rockets' performance yesterday was so not up to par. i'm usually pretty neutral and forgiving when it comes to sports, but MAN. yao just seemed to have a really bad night. and tracy mcgrady ... *sigh* but a big thanks to david ho for the awesome seats. it was definitely a better view than the one i had when i went with girl scouts years ago. we had been seated so far away that we couldn't even see the ball. -_- know what really gets to me though? i can't stand it when people leave before the end of the game. so what if your team is losing? if you were a real fan, you would have sat through it and given them your full support, wouldn't you?

it scares me when normally happy-go-lucky people get really quiet and antisocial. i know something's really wrong, but there's nothing i can do ... is there anything i can do?

happy 19th to me

2004-11-25T23:47:00.000-06:00

thanks for remembering guys^^ you never fail to make me feel special.

de ja vu

2004-11-25T03:34:00.000-06:00

your visit brought back old memories...
what was i thinking?
and what am i doing now?

well this is new

2004-11-09T12:32:00.000-06:00

at age fifteen, i had never imagined that a glance three years into my future would make me ashamed.